Once Upon A CRACK! (The Charming Bunch)
by Scarlet Phlame
Summary: Once upon a time, the entire Charming family (Emma, Neal, Henry, Snow, Charming, Hook, Cora, Regina, Gold and Belle) was bored. So they decided to go on short vacations, have birthday parties, prank the entire town, go to the theater, watch movies and viral internet videos, and just be a family. (I own nothing.) Collection of crack oneshots. CHAP 10: Charming's worst nightmare...?
1. Stayover Part 1

"I'm bored," Henry whined.

Wait! Wait! Whoa, pause, hold on just a minute. I can't start a story without telling you the beginning first! ...Ahem.

Once upon a time, because that is how all crackfics should start, after a messed-up spell that Emma had cast in the Charming's house, their home had suddenly disappeared leaving everyone outside in the middle of the night wearing nothing but pajamas.

And Snow and Charming didn't have much clothes on to begin wi-

Okay, too much information.

So they were sleeping over at Regina's house. For a week. Or a year. Or however long it would take for Emma, Mr. Gold, and Regina to find their house. Oh, yes, and Gold had conveniently decided to also stay at Regina's house, which meant Belle would be there also. Anyway, they were looking for the Charming's house.

Which Cora, who was currently living in Regina's house, strongly suspected was in Kansas on a certain witches head.

Ah, yes, Cora.

Cora was actually the biggest problem about their short stayover. See, Cora had just come back to life by the powers vested in the very powerful AU wizard. His name was Selena Gomez.

...No, but seriously, he was named Lord Voldemort.

* * *

"I'm bored," Henry whined.

"No flipping dur," Emma groaned from where she was lying on the couch.

"Checkers, anyone?" Cora asked with a grin, taking a seat on the couch next to Emma.

"Umm... not feeling it," Snow fibbed. She was still feeling slightly guilty about the whole murder incident.

"Oh, well, that's okay, I have this great thingy on the television, Regina just taught me how to use it," Cora said with a grin, grabbing the remote. "Wait... how does this thing work again?"

"This may take a while," Emma said, she had now draped a blindfold over her head and was trying to sleep.

"Wait... I think I have it!" she exclaimed, pressing a button. The button blinked red, and she stared at it for a while before screaming. "OH F*CKING SH*T!" Cora screamed as she dropped the remote into the fishtank, where it slowly sunk down to the bottom.

"Well... I guess it's just checkers tonight," Henry finally said, grabbing the board.

"Have some candy, kid," Emma said, making a gesture.

"Where?" Henry asked excitedly.

"It's... somewhere. Go steal it from Regina's pantry or something."

"My mom doesn't keep candy in her house," Henry said with a frown.

"Oh well, go ask Cora to make you some."

"No way, she's creepy!" Henry screamed.

"What did you say?" Cora asked. "Sorry, I have hearing aids. Not the good kind, they're actually crappy."

"This might actually be a bit entertaining," Henry said with a grin, sitting up. Cora looked confused.

"What did you say? I thought I heard 'cat piss mite cattually bee adam pan training', although it could just be me," Cora said slowly.

"LOL," Henry said in a monotone voice. "Let's play checkers now, Nana."

"Excuse me, Henry, I don't want to beeswax potato hands with a grandma," Cora said with a funny look on her face.

"I said, let's play checkers," Henry spoke slowly. It was starting to get irritating.

"Why plaid eats checkers? I have no clue..." Cora mumbled.

"THERE AREN'T ANY DAMN BOOKS IN THIS HOUSE!" Came Belle's angry voice from the kitchen.

"You're in the kitchen, that's why," Henry said slowly.

"Oops," Belle said slowly. "Wait... I think I found a book! It's called, 'To Serve Man'. Huh."

"Good for you, although I don't quite understand what finding a cook has to do with seamen or something else of the sort," Cora mumbled.

"Okay, so, Charming and Snow will have their private room in the guest room, wouldn't want them... disturbing anyone," Regina said, coming into the room. "Emma gets the couch because I hate her. She can share with Neal." Offscreen, several SwanQueen shippers booed accordingly. "And also because last time I tried to be nice, she bit my arm."

"She bit your arm?" Charming wondered. Several offscreen SwanQueen shippers cheered.

"Yeah, she was high on candy and sort of drunk, she thought she was a dog," Regina said slowly. "It really hurt." More cheers.

Pause.

"Anyway, Gold and Belle can sleep in the attic. Don't want any trouble from them," Regina continued, clapping her hands together. "And Cora and Hook can sleep in Cora's room or whatever. Don't get any ideas," she said, giving the pirate a steady glare.

"Where did Hook come from?" Snow wondered suddenly.

"I invited him, mainly because I AM CAPTAIN OF THE HOOKEDSWAN SHIP!" Cora screamed, the fandom behind her cheering loudly.

"So you decided to sleep with him in the same room, very clever plan," Snow deadpanned. Cora blushed.

"No, it isn't like that. It's actually... we're making plans. For the fandom. You know," she spoke slowly.

"Uh-huh," Snow mumbled.

"ANYWAY!" Regina yelled. "I hope you all have a good night. And if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch The Twilight Zone and a few episodes of Ellen on my AppleTV. She searched for the remote. "Now, where is it?"

"I'm... gonna go to bed," Henry said slowly, before running off. Cora and Hook followed suit, and so did Snow and Charming. Regina was left alone in the room with Neal, Emma, Belle, and a sleeping Gold.

"Where the hell is the remote?" Regina wondered, tossing over pillows and such.

"IT'S A COOKBOOK!" Belle suddenly screamed from the kitchen. "THE BOOK, TO SERVE MAN, IT'S A COOKBOOK! IT'S A COOOOKBOOOOOK!"

* * *

_**Cookies to anyone who noticed the Twilight Zone reference. B-)**_

_**So, basically, the concept of this fic is the whole Charming family. It can include reactions to viral videos, going to the movies, setting up awesome parties and birthdays, going on family vacations, etcetera. Whatever you, the reader wants, I'll put up here. I'm totally open to suggestions!**_

_**Please review, and I'll see you all next chapter!**_

_**-Scarlet Phlame**_


	2. Stayover Part 2

Day One

* * *

"Mom! Mom, wake up!" Henry yelled, shaking Regina's bed wildly.

"Henry, what time is it even, like, seven- OH MY GOD, I SMELL SOMETHING BURNING."

The pair stormed downstairs to find Charming battling with the vacuum cleaner as it sucked up his pants leg, and Snow whacking it with a broom.

"STAY DOWN, YOU B*TCH!" Snow screamed, continuing to whack the contraption.

"IT'S GONNA KILL MEEEE! IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIIIIIIIVE!" Charming sobbed. "IT'S EVIL!"

"I said I wanted to watch Twilight Zone reruns last night, not this Frankenstein sh*t," Regina moaned, before unplugging the vacuum cleaner and tossing the cable aside. "There, are you two happy? And just what were you doing?"

"I was... doing... something," Charming said guiltily.

"We were bored and we wanted to do you a favor for letting us stay over, so we tried to do some cleaning. It did not go well," Snow said, her gaze on the floor. Regina sighed.

"It's all right, just don't do it again." With a wave of her hand, both items were safely stored in the cupboard. "Now what was that thing I smelled burning?"

"Emma's in the kitchen, she was trying to make breakfast," Snow said slowly.

"Facepalm," Henry moaned.

"Miss Swan! What are you doing to my kitchen?" Regina shrieked as she walked in to find flour everywhere, a mess of eggs and something black and slimy spreading across the floor.

"Oh, hi, Regina, I'm making eggs!" Emma said cheerfully. Regina's face resembled an 'O_O' as she spoke.

"You- you're making eggs," she deadpanned as her eye began to twitch. A sob rose in her throat as she turned around and walked out of the place.

* * *

Day Two

* * *

"Okay, so I'll be taking a short walk," Regina called into the house. "DON'T BURN DOWN THE GODDAMNED HOUSE! That's all." she smiled nervously, before sucking in a breath and making her way down the path.

As soon as her figure disappeared, Henry and everyone else jumped up from the couch and got ready.

"Prepare for Operation: Make Mom Feel Happy!" Henry yelled. "Someone spruce up her tree! Light candles around the house, but stay out of her room. We don't want to touch anything, just put more stuff around."

"HOORAY!" the group cheered, except for Gold, who half-heartedly stalked around, righting messed up things and tossing rubbish into the trash bin using magic.

"Yaay," Gold mumbled.

"I'm putting a bookshelf in this room," Belle said. "She needs to read more often."

"Let me put some comic books on there, too!" Henry said excitedly.

"Let's get Regina a new fridge," Cora said happily. She magicked away the old one and replaced it with a shiny new one.

"Maybe plant some more trees?" Emma suggested, she was digging a hole in the former mayor's lawn outside with the assistance of her father, David.

"COME MY LITTLE FRIENDS, AS WE ALL SING A HAPPY LITTLE WORKING SONG!" Snow screeched as she continued to scrub the sink. Neal went outside to help Emma some more.

"I'll... uh... check to see if the TV is working," Gold said, flicking on the television. "Yes, I think it's working."

"Hey, I'm home, I forgot my purse-" Regina froze as she saw Emma, David and Neal digging a hole in her garden. As she looked up through the window, she was greeted by the sight of Gold, who was lying on the couch watching TV.

Henry was pushing comic books into a bookshelf with Belle, Cora was fiddling with a fridge Regina had never seen in her life. Snow was doing God knows what, her head poked into the sink.

"Actually... I don't think I need my purse," Regina mumbled to herself, before turning around and running away as fast as she could.

* * *

Day Three

* * *

"Since I'm seriously concerned about another incident happening, I'm taking everyone to the movies today," Regina announced. "We're going to go see Star Trek."

"I don't want to see Star Trek, let's watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic!" Charming suggested eagerly.

"I don't want to watch anything called 'My Potato Coney: Spaceship is My B*tch', no matter how good it is," Cora said slowly.

"I said, 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic'," David repeated.

"Ohh, wait, what is a Photoshoot Wig?" Cora wondered.

"Someone fix her damn hearing aids," David grumbled.

"What is a damsel herding maid?"

"DAMNIT!" Charming stormed over to the television and pressed a few buttons, he'd logged into his AppleTV account and was now turning on My Little Pony. His eyes were glued to the screen.

"Night mare moon," Snow groaned. "This never gets old! I WUV WITTLE FLUTTERSHY!"

"WHO'S WATCHING MY LITTLE PONY?!" Emma shrieked, running into the room. "IS APPLEJACK IN THIS EPISODE?!"

"BROHOOF!" Charming yelled, slapping Emma's hand.

"What the-" Regina started.

"It's dark in here," Belle whispered.


	3. The Pop War

"I'm bored," Henry said.

"Let's play checkers," Cora suggested.

"No."

"Wii?"

"The remote is in the fish tank."

"Let's go see what the rest of the family is doing!" Cora suggested.

"But... why?"

"You'll see," Cora said, grabbing Henry by the arm and dragging him upstairs.

"I'm doing the laundry!" Regina sang, folding some clothing and putting it away. "There's some soap on the ground, I hope I don't accidentally slip on it!" she continued to sing.

"Uhm... why are you singing, mom?" Henry wondered, from behind him, Cora smirked.

"I will continue to fold these clothes!" Regina sang.

"That's... weird," Henry said, his face resembling 'O_O'. "Did you do that, Nana?" Cora grinned.

"Yep. Our entire family is now trapped in this thing I call 'pop music'," Cora said with a smile.

"Wow," Henry said, in awe.

"Let's go stalk other people," Cora suggested.

* * *

(Payphone)

"I'm at a fire hydrant, trying to eat this hot dog!" Charming sang.

"Weird..." Henry mumbled. "And, hey, I feel like I've heard this song somewhere."

"All of the turkeys burned down! I wasted my charm, you-"

"Let's... just... go," Henry suggested nervously, his eyes glued to the scene. Cora snickered and ushered him a little down past the path, where a man was standing singing into a payphone.

* * *

(Call Me Maybe)

"Hey, I'm so crazy!" Belle sang to Gold. "But I'm also sexy, so f*ck me, baby!"

"Is this appropriate?" Henry wondered. Cora shrugged.

"Most of this genre I call 'pop' is not," she said with a smirk.

"Hey, we're both crazy!" Gold sang to her. "And I definitely will, baby!"

"This is weird, let's leave before it gets weirder," Henry declared. Cora nodded and led him out of the shop.

* * *

(Glad You Came, Titanium)

"The sun comes up, the cats go down!" Cora sang softly.

"Stop it!" Henry shrieked. "You can't annoy me, because I am infinite! You'll shove me up, but I won't stand! I am infinite!" He clamped a hand over his mouth. "Oh no, it's happening to all of us, isn't it? Oh well, David Guetta and Sia aren't that bad of a music mix."

"I can't contain this much longer!" Cora shrieked. "Let's go see how Hook is doing."

"Okay."

* * *

(One More Night, Whistle, Don't Wake Me Up)

"I cross my ship and I hope to fly!" Hook sang from where he was standing on the mast, replacing the flag with a flag with a cross on it.

"Come on, tickle maybe, tickle maybe, let me go!" Cora sang, making a motion that they should probably leave and figure out how to get rid of the spell while she whistled accordingly to the tune.

"Don't bake me up!" Henry sang back, the two walking back down on the dock.

* * *

(Stronger/What Doesn't Kill You, We Are Young)

"What doesn't chill you makes you hotter!" Emma sang to Neal. "Sit a little shorter! Doesn't mean I'm bony when I'm a bone!"

"That... sounds wrong," Henry whispered.

"Shh," Cora said.

"Today, we are awesome!" Neal sang. "So let's set our cat on fire!"

"That is... interesting," Cora commented.

* * *

(Boyfriend, Gangnam Style, Gentleman, Magic, Starships)

The two were walking home, when they were greeted by Hook chasing Regina around.

"If I was your cleaner, I'd never leave dirt around! I would-" Hook was chanting. "Dancing cleaning style!"

"Sister brother pirate man!" Regina chanted.

"Oh boy, it's getting really bad now," Henry whined. "Let's fix it!"

"I can't," Cora croaked. "It's gotten out of control!"

"Then ask Selena Gomez- I mean, Lord Voldemort for help!" Henry whined.

"I need to summon him, but I can't because he hates music!" Cora yelled.

"Oh, then do Selena," Henry suggested.

"No, no, no, it's spastic! You go!" Cora sang.

"This is terrible!" Henry screamed. "Storybrooke was meant to die!"

* * *

(Magic, Call Me Maybe, Payphone)

"Okay, so, we're gonna bring the Home Office here, after we prove that it's safe," Tamara told Greg. They were coming to Storybrooke for the second time ever after failing Peter Pan.

"What the... hell is that?" Greg wondered as he watched the residents of Storybrooke dance around wildly all over the street.

"I think they're singing, roll down the window," Tamara said.

And he did.

"No, no, no, it's spastic! My toe!"

"So f*ck me, baby!"

"I'm at a fire hydrant!"

"Oh, sh*t," Greg said, paling. "It's like a mini Kidz Bop!"

And with that, the two left Storybrooke and never returned again. Eventually, the curse was broken by something called RAPPING.

* * *

"That was awesome, yo!" Henry rapped. "I think I have a milkshake in the fridge, so let's go!"

"Hang on, it's still spastic, my toe," Cora rapped back.

"You guys are weird," Regina mumbled as she walked to the fridge.

"Is that a bruise on your arm?" Cora wondered.

"Yeah, there was soap on the ground and I slipped," Regina answered sheepishly.

There was a long pause, and then Cora and Henry cracked up, falling on the floor. Somehow, Cora fell in the oversized fishtank.

* * *

_**I hope you enjoyed this chapter! In case anyone is ready to tattle on me for "using song lyrics not in the public domain", uh, good luck finding any song lyrics that I didn't make up.**_

_**R&R!**_


	4. The Worst Hotel Ever!

"All right!" Emma said happily. "Now this is what I call a family vacation!"

The group had just recently arrived in Hollywood. They were going to spend a night here, just a night, so they could visit their long-lost relatives- by the name of something Jennifer and Llama Parachute or whatever.

"Let's find a hotel, then!" Cora piped up happily.

"Do you know any good hotels?" Snow grunted.

"How about the Beverly Hills Hotel?" Cora suggested.

"Fine," Emma said. "Wait. What? How much is it?"

"Only 15,000 dollars per night!" Cora replied happily.

"Cora, we don't have that kind of money!" Emma stuttered.

"So?" Cora asked, pulling a wallet out of thin air. "Now we do!"

"Hey!" Belle shouted suddenly. "That's my wallet!"

"If you're going to steal, steal from someone rich," Regina said haughtily. Snow glared at her former stepmother.

"We aren't stealing!" she yelled. "It's uncivilized!"

"I own a town, I have money," Gold said slowly.

"Great, we just need like fifteen thousand dollars," Emma said happily.

"Oh, hell no, I'm saving it for a rainy day," Gold said smugly.

"I'm not going to even try," Emma mumbled. "It's too much money, anyway."

Cora held up fourteen wallets at this moment.

"Is this enough?" she asked innocently, causing Snow to spaz out.

"Yes, that'll do," Regina said happily. "But, really, this wasn't the best hotel choice."

"We. Aren't. STEALING!" Snow screamed.

"Why not?" Regina whined.

"What about the Four Seasons?" Cora suggested. Neal blanched, he'd heard about that one.

"No, Cora! No five star hotels!" he yelled, just for good effect. And also so that the reading audience knew he was there.

Cora pouted for a moment, before realizing something quite quickly. "What about the Bel Air Hotel?"

"We still need money, so..." Emma started.

"That's still a 5 star hotel," Neal butted in.

"How about you find a three star or less hotel?" Charming suggested wearily.

"No! I want our beds clean and not scraps! I do not need a rerun of my childhood!" Cora whined un-accordingly.

Emma rolled her eyes. "Three star hotels aren't that bad! I stay in them all the time!"

"So, it's decided," Gold said with a curt nod.

"Thank you!" Snow said finally. "See, Cora, 5 star hotels are not reasonable!" the former Queen sulked behind the line, staring daggers at anyone who glanced in her direction.

"Anyway, I found a nice hotel," Snow continued.

"Ooh, what's it called?" Emma inquired.

"Fineries hotel," Snow answered smoothly.

"Cheesy name," Emma said, with a frown.

"Yeah, but it's only 50 bucks a night," Snow suggested slowly. "And, come on, I don't think it can be that bad, right?"

* * *

It was not good.

It was very, very, very not good.

It was even worse than not good, it was bad.

And bad was not good.

"What's up with the light? It's literally hanging by a thread..." Emma commented, her face resembling an 'D:'.

"And the wall... It's covered with bugs!" Cora whined.

"I'm scared..." Henry whimpered.

"At least they have a tv... sorta..." Snow suggested, pointing towards a cardboard box with the words "TELEVISIOEN" written across with a messy scrawl.

"That can be considered a tv? It's just a cardboard box! With the word 'television' on it! And they even misspelled it!" Emma shouted.

"Well..." Snow tried.

"I like it!" Belle said happily. There was a pregnant pause as every member of the family stopped what they were doing, turned around, and stared, stricken. "What?"

"You're so weird!" Regina blurted. Gold sent a glare in her direction but other than that he was silent.

"I don't feel like taking a bath..." came Cora's voice from the bathroom. The group trotted over to where the woman was standing, curious.

"There- there's roaches in the tub! Hundreds!" Emma shrieked.

"Aww, look at my happy tree friends," Snow sighed happily. "There sure are a lot of them. You know, I think I like this place too."

The group was broken out of their horrified trance when they heard another scream coming from the kitchen.

"I- I just wanted to eat something..." Hook whined, backing away from the fridge lying on the ground.

"That's the fridge?" Emma stuttered. "It's filled with freaking roaches!"

"This place looks like my old house when I was 4..." Cora moaned.

"Why don't you take a bath?" Snow suggested with a grin. "Ease up your nerves." Cora paled for a moment.

"This place is disgusting!" Regina cried, throwing her arms up in the air. "Can we please go back to stealing?"

"Regina!" Hook shouted.

"I like this place!" Belle said with a huff.

"Really?" Hook wondered.

"Yup!" Belle said with a grin.

"That's it, I'm going to make a complaint," Emma said, storming out of the room.

"Well, maybe there's a view..." Cora suggested, pulling away the curtain from the window to reveal several fat spiders hanging around. She let out a shriek while Snow mumbled something about her happy working friends and happy working songs.

"It- it isn't that bad..." Charming said slowly.

"Okay, there is a light barely dangling from a wire on the ceiling, a HUGE crack in the wall, a tiny crappy cardboard tv that is the size of Henry's head, thousands of roaches on the bathroom floor, a tub that's never been cleaned before, millions of bugs in the fridge that I'm assuming is broken, and you say it isn't that bad?! Are you insane?" Cora shrieked, swatting at Charming with a baseball bat that had appeared out of no where.

"Don't forget the roaches clinging to the windows!" Regina piped up.

"UGH! They won't let us change rooms!" Emma screamed, storming back in.

"We're trapped here? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Cora yelled.

"Calm down!" Hook shouted.

"Uhhh, guys?" Emma croaked. "Can someone take out the B-52 roaches?"

"B-52s? WHERE!" Charming screamed. Hook ran across the room with a broom, swatting at the flying creatures.

"Ewwwww!" Gold yelled. The whole family ran all over the place, trying to clean up. Snow fell in the tub, let out a shriek, and then vomited on the rug. Neal slipped into it and then started making an angel.

In the meantime, Cora and Regina were closing their eyes and saying something along the lines of 'there's no place like home' or whatever.

"Wow, I like this place!" Belle said, taking a big bite out of a roach from where she was sitting on the tub. "It's just so beautiful!"


	5. The Sentence Game

"I'm bored," Charming moaned. The family was over at Regina's house for a party, although there wasn't an occasion, I just put them there so I could write a chapter.

"You're always bored," Snow replied haughtily, ignoring the author's comment.

"I have an idea!" Gold suddenly exclaimed. "Let's play a drinking game! Every time someone updates or posts a new SwanQueen fic, let's have a shot!"

"No!" Emma screamed. "Do you know how many of those there are?"

"I can't drink anyway," Henry whined.

"HEY!" Belle suddenly yelled. "Let's play the sentence game!"

"The what game?" Cora asked, confused.

"The sentence game. It's where you tell a story one sentence at a time," Belle explained. "So, like, let's say Gold starts the story with a sentence. Then Charming has to follow up with another sentence. You build a story with sentences," Belle explained.

"Why does Gold get to start?" Cora whined.

"Gold isn't starting, I just used that as an example," Belle said quickly.

"It's not fair," Cora continued as if she hadn't heard Belle.

"Anyway," Belle continued. "Let's start. I'll go first."

"I guess I'll play," Emma said with a shrug, taking a seat on the floor.

"Once upon a time, there was a magic kingdom!" Belle said happily.

"In this magic kingdom... there was a man named... Bob," Cora said uncertainly.

"Bob was... a... builder," Emma said lamely.

"He... built things," Regina continued.

"Bob the Builder loved... to rip out people's hearts!" Henry declared happily. The rest of the group's faces resembled an 'O_o' except for Henry who was still smiling like everything was normal.

"One day, Bob died," Gold said with a vicious sneer.

"The end," Hook said.

"Hey! I didn't get to go!" Snow whined.

"It's okay, we'll start another game," Belle assured her. "Once upon a time, in a kingdom far far far away, there was... a... cat."

"The cat was a cute cat!" Snow said happily.

"The cat... had... fur." Charming said. "And was named Furry."

"Hey!" Neal yelled. "That was two sentences!"

"Sorry," Charming said. "Just go with the first one."

"Okay," Neal said, brightening. "The cat was named Furry."

"You copied me!" Charming cried.

"All of you, shut up!" Emma screamed.

"Calm down you motherpenguin b*tches!" Cora yelled.

"Okay," Hook said, calming down.

"Neal, take your turn," Cora ordered.

"The cat was named Furry," Neal said.

"The cat that was named Furry had no fur, sadly," Emma said blankly.

"Furry decided to go get some fur," Henry offered happily.

"So he went out and skinned other cats!" Gold declared with a grin.

"Wha-" Emma started.

"You know, for their fur," Gold explained.

"Okaaay," Emma drawled.

"Anyway, Furry the cat was now furry," Hook said with a frown.

"He was happy that he was furry," Cora said with a creepy Cheshire Cat grin.

"And then he turned into a lizard," Regina said quickly.

"And then Furry fell of a cliff and died, the end," Henry finished happily.

"Okaaay," Belle said. "Let's start again. Cora, you can go first!"

"It was a dark, dank, night, the shadows cast from the dark sky casting shadows on the floor that were dark because the floor was dank," Cora began darkly.

"This is creepy," Emma said. "Um, the... dank, dark room was... well... creepy."

"The creepy room had a little... giant evil narwhal in it," Neal said slowly.

"The narwhal was sleeping," Gold continued.

"Whoever woke it up would DIE A TERRIBLE DEATH!" Henry yelled.

"This is pleasant," Snow squeaked. "Um, the narwhal was named... Slenderman."

"Slenderman was a... care bear," Charming continued.

"How can the narwhal, which is Slenderman, be a care bear at the same time?" Belle wondered.

"BECAUSE HE CAN!" Charming yelled.

Belle's face resembled an 'o_o' as she spoke. "The Slenderman thingy was actually... dead, not sleeping!" she declared.

"GASP!" Henry gasped. "A TWIST!"

"IKR," Belle exclaimed.

"The Slenderman dead sleeping thing was... actually deadsleeping!" Cora continued.

"Guys, let's just stop and have a normal conversation," Hook said. "I mean, really."

"I agree with Hook," Emma said wearily. "But having a normal conversation with this group of people, strongly resembling the Brady Bunch- is like finding a needle in a haystack."

"It's easy to find a needle in a haystack!" Cora pointed out. "All you have to do is set it on fire! And we are not like the Brady Bunch!" she leaned over and whispered into Regina's ear. "What's the Brady Bunch?"

"I'm going to sleep now," Belle groaned, trudging upstairs. "Good night, everyone."

"Niiight!" they called.

"Hmm," Belle mumbled as she settled in under her sheets. "What an adventure. Good night, desk. Good night, desk lamp. Good night, shoe. Good night, blanket. Good night, moon. Good night, narwhal. Good night-"

"Guys," Henry whispered. "I have an idea! Let's play the same game, only we use words to tell the story!"

"That's a great idea!" Emma yelled. "Okay, I'll go first."

Pause.

"Once..." Emma started.

"Upon," Gold continued.

"A..." Neal said.

"Time," Cora yawned.

"In," Gold continued.

"Disneyland..."


	6. Improv Everywhere

"GUYS!" Henry yelled, running into the house. "Guess what?"

"No," Regina said, staring into her book. "I'm reading."

"No, seriously!" Henry yelled, ripping the book out of her hands and throwing it into the fish tank. "You've gotta listen!"

"Listen to what? And where have your manners gone?" Regina snapped brutally.

"Listen to me," Henry countered. "And I guess they've gone down the fish tank."

Regina blinked, unamused.

"There's this Youtube channel called ImprovEverywhere. I LOVE IT!" Henry shrieked. "So, it's my birthday."

"Yes," Regina noted dryly.

"So, I'm recruiting the family and we're gonna do stuff like ImprovEverywhere," Henry explained.

"What stuff does ImprovEverywhere do?" Regina asked.

"They do stuff like go to public dining areas and serenade a bunch of people," Henry explained. "With silly related things. You know, singing."

"What songs?" Henry beamed.

"I just made one up. Wanna hear it?"

"Not sure..."

"Just eaaaat your mother's dress!" Henry sang. "Whenever you're in dire distress, you know, you must confess, that you have to eat your mother's dress!"

"Da FAQ (frequently asked questions)?" Regina asked finally.

"Anyway, I can't sing well," Henry admitted. "So ImprovEverywhere does other stuff. So I had an idea. We should like go to the park and pretend we're vampires and eat young people," Henry said happily. "Like that book series, Nightlight."

"Gross," Regina recoiled.

"Or we could just pretend Ruby bit us and we're werewolves," Henry admitted.

"I'll go with that one," Regina said. "Get your coat, we're going out."

* * *

"How do you pretend you're a werewolf?" Belle asked, crouching down near a park bench.

"You just do?" Gold guessed. "I can't believe I agreed to do this, anyway."

"Same here," Charming admitted.

"I think it's a great, wholesome idea!" Snow exclaimed. Emma wrinkled her nose.

"Who even says 'wholesome' anymore?" the blonde wondered.

"I do," Snow bristled. Henry smiled.

"This is gonna be great!" Cora squealed. "I feel like a teen again."

"You were a teen?" Neal asked in disbelief.

"Of course I was!" Cora huffed. "Why would you ask something like that?"

"I..." Neal started. Cora leaned in and patted him on the back.

"So," she said sweetly, putting on a coy smile. "Tell me... OR I WILL RIP OUT YOUR EYES!"

"I can't imagine you as a little kid!" Neal sputtered.

"Well, I can't either," Cora said wryly.

"I completely agree!" Hook piped up.

"Shut up, question mark hand, you're confusing me," Emma groaned.

"Oh, look!" Henry exclaimed. "There's a person!" He hopped out of the bushes they'd been hiding in. "GRRRR!" he yelled.

"I don't know what I should do," Belle said slowly.

"Just get out there," Emma said. "Henry wants us to, and I guess it doesn't matter, I mean, we're dressed like fuzzy dogs anyway, no one will recognize us." she leapt out of the bushes.

"GRRR!" Henry shrieked. "I AM A WEREWOLF!"

"ME TOO!" Emma yelled.

"AND US!" the rest of the group yelled, running out.

"I AM A WEREWOLF! I WILL EAT YOUR FACE!" Emma yelled, running after a man she recognized as Marco.

"What?" Marco asked, spinning around.

"MOO! I MEAN GRR!" Emma yelled.

"Who are you?" Marco asked curiously. "I can't see through all that fake fur."

"GRR! FEAR ME!" Emma yelled.

"Emma?" Marco asked with a chuckle, after leaning in closer to see. "What an interesting hobby. Is this what you normally do on the weekends?"

"Wmm," Emma whimpered.

"I'll see you around, yes?" Marco asked with another chuckle, before turning and leaving.

"Why didn't you guys get out and help me!" Emma yelled. Henry played with a branch and placed it into his mouth.

"Iw wrase swhetting uhtp," Henry said.

"What?" Emma blinked. "Sorry, can't hear you through a stick." Henry took the thing out of his mouth.

"I was setting up," Henry said, putting the stick back into his mouth.

"But you embarrassed me!" Emma yelled.

"Yrat wras rtyhe poinct," Henry said.

"What?"

"That was the point," Henry repeated. "It was a joke."

"But why?" Emma whined.

"Because it's funny!" Henry said. "Also, it's my birthday," he spoke more seriously.

"JUST EAT YOUR MOTHER'S DRESS!" a voice suddenly sang. The group spun around to see Regina with a strap-on piano waltzing around the park. "If you're ever in distress, you'll know right away that this mess can all be solved by eating your mother's dress!"


	7. Regina's Diary

"All right!" Charming said. "Time for round two of randomness!"

The group had gathered at Regina's house for Christmas Dinner. Everyone was hungry and missing their food.

"Okay, I'll start," Belle said. "Sentence game!" Pause. "Once upon a time, there was a turkey."

"Not sure where this is going," Regina mouthed to the audience, before looking back at Belle. "The turkey was named Bob."

"The turkey named Bob was dead," Charming said cheerfully.

"GASP!" Snow gasped.

"Bob the turkey was dead because he was going to be roasted for Christmas Dinner," Neal said.

"You skipped my sentence!" Snow fumed.

"No, you said GASP, remember?"

"That didn't count," Snow said.

"Try again," Neal said.

"Okay," Snow said.

"That counted," Neal said.

"No, it didn't!"

"Yes, it did!"

"Hey, everyone," Regina said, walking in. "I got the turkey!"

"BOB!" Snow shrieked, grabbing the turkey from Regina and hugging it, the grease staining her shirt.

Regina's eye twitched.

"Nevermind, I'll go out and get another," Regina mumbled, walking out.

"Guys!" Emma giggled from upstairs. "Get up here!"

The group charged upstairs to find Emma on the bed, reading Regina's journal.

"What are you doing?!" Snow cried. "She'll get mad!"

"I know!" Emma said excitedly. "That's the point!"

"Let's read it," Cora said, picking it up and reading it aloud.

_Dear Diary,_

_I just found out about this thing today called 'SwanQueen'. Apparently it's about me turning into a swan? Maybe like Swan Princess? Very interesting._

Cora frowned. "This is all about her. When does she talk about me?"

"It's her diary," Emma said. "She's supposed to write about herself."

Cora scowled. "Well, how self-centered is that?"

"Look at this one," Charming said, skipping a page. "It says my name!" he frowned, then squinted. "Wait, nevermind. It says 'turkey baster' instead. Must've misread it." Henry grabbed the book and flipped to another page.

Dear Diary,

Today Cora decided to prank me by putting honey in my shoes.

"HA!" Cora laughed. "I remember that!"

"The page isn't finished," Henry said, shushing her.

So I decided to get her back by using her hairbrush to comb Pongo's hair.

Cora's smile faded and she stared at the page for a long, long time, before running out of the room with a very loud scream.

The group burst out in laughter and read on to the next page.

_Dear Diary,_

_Today Emma decided it would be funny to steal some of my apples._

_So I went into town and I sat down next to her at the Storybrooke bar. We've been competing over Hook for a while-_

_Neal gasped and Hook smirked. Emma paled, but Henry read on._

_We've been competing over Hook for a while, so I thought I would let her know I got his number earlier today._

_I leaned over to her and asked her if she liked apples. She frowned and said yes, she does._

_I grinned, then said, "Well, I got Hook's number. How do you like them apples?"_

_I then left._

"Ooh, that's awkward," Cora said with a grin as she walked back into the room, seeing Emma's pink face and Neal's pale white one.

"Let's read another!" Henry said.

"Better not," Emma said sheepishly. "She might... be... mad."

"Who cares?" Henry asked, grabbing the book back from Emma.

_Dear Diary,_

_Today I went on a date with Hook! Well, a pretend date, but same difference. I just... talked to a fishhook. Well, not like it's bad or anything, I mean, I heard there's a 'ship called SpoonQueen'. Whoever names a ship 'SpoonQueen' is just mad. You name ships 'Princess' or something more shippy._

Hook blushed cutely like a little boy and looked away from the book. Cora scoffed.

_Dear Diary,_

_I found out what shipping means today._

_That's very, very interesting._

_And also very, very insane._

"Well, that's interesting," Cora commented, flipping to the page at the end and paling.

_Dear Family,_

_Look out the window._

"Oh, that's creepy," Belle said.

"Agreed," Gold said.

"Look out the window," Henry said, motioning the group. A very unamused Regina stood in the lawn, arms crossed and lips pursed tightly.

_Dear Family,_

_Look out the window._

_I'm there, you know. I left my diary on the bed on purpose because I felt like pranking you. Snow and I set this up. It's a joke, trust me._

_Except for the little bit about Emma and Hook. That's true._

_Happy Christmas!_


	8. Drama Day!

"All right, so, for the day, we're going to be investigating a house that is claimed to be haunted, in the meantime, we'll also be sure to check out some other stuff we get from calls," Snow said.

It was annual roleplay day and the entire town was getting wrapped up in a mystery. A fake mystery, but it had been created for fun, mainly. Like it was scripted and stuff. Oh, never mind, just get on with it.

"Is it going to be like Paranormal Investigation?" Henry asked excitedly.

"No, it's much more serious," Emma said seriously.

"What if I don't want to be serious?" Cora whined.

"Too bad. It's your first day on the fake job, I don't want you screwing anything up," Emma said.

"All right," Cora said, getting into front of the car while others got into the backseat.

Pause.

"Wait... are we... you guys are back there... and I'm up here..." Cora said slowly.

Another pause.

"OH MY GOD! AM I DRIVING?!" Cora shrieked.

"Yeah. You do know how to drive... right?" Emma asked.

"I... I think so!" Cora said.

"Facepalm. Just make it up as you go along," Gold said.

"WAIT!" Snow suddenly shrieked.

"What?" Emma asked, slightly annoyed.

"I have the perfect sound effect for this!"

Everyone was silent as Snow pulled out her phone and pressed a button. An audience applauding sound was heard from the phone.

"See? Isn't it awesome?" Snow asked, beaming.

Pause.

"Anyway, let's get going. Cora, start up the car!" Emma said finally. Regina groaned.

"This is gonna be along ride," she mumbled.

"All right." There was a nervous expression on her face as Cora toggled with the controls.

"So, like I said, we're going to be investigating a haunted house," Emma said.

"Yeah, I know, I was there when we organized the event," Regina said, slightly peeved.

"Basically, the idea is that people who have been visiting this house have been disappearing," Emma said, ignoring Regina.

"Wait... you mean.. they disappear?" Henry asked suddenly.

"Yeah."

"Like... they... are gone?"

"Yeah."

"And no one ever sees them again?!"

Pause.

"Yeah."

Henry leaned forward. "TURN AROUND THE CAR, CORA!"

"Eep!" Cora shrieked.

"Calm down. We're gonna be fine," Emma said.

"Oh. Okay, then," Henry said, calming down.

"That was surprisingly easy," Emma said. "Anyway, like I said, we're going to be investigating this place. Just for clues and to see if we can find anything suspicious."

"Coolness!"

"EEP! SQUIRREL!" Cora shrieked, Snow clutching onto her goldfish bowl tightly. She'd insisted that she bring it although nobody saw the point.

"Are you all right?" Emma asked.

"Yeah. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm- I'M NOT FINE OH MY GOD WE'RE GONNA CRASH!" Cora screamed.

"EVERYONE! WATCH OUT!" Emma shouted.

The car crashed and the group was jolted by the impact.

"Oooww," Cora groaned.

"MY HAND IS MISSING!" Charming screamed. "MY HAND IS- Oh, never mind, my jacket sleeve was just covering it up. Sorry."

"WAIT! Don't move. I have the perfect sound effect for this!" Snow shrieked. She held up her phone and pressed a button, a shattering glass sound effect emitted from the device.

"Alrighty, then," Emma said with a groan, stumbling out of the car followed by the other nine.

"Sorry about your car, Regina," Emma said.

"You guys totally owe me a car," Regina said.

"Sorry..." Cora apologized.

"Humph," Regina said crossly.

"Well, here we are, then," Emma said, changing the subject.

"This is the house?"

"Yeah."

Pause.

"Uh..." Hook asked slowly.

Another pause.

"Wait... we're... we're going IN there?" Hook gasped.

"Yeah. And you're first!" Emma exclaimed cheerfully, pushing Hook into the place.

"EEP!" Hook shrieked like a little girl. The rest flooded in.

"All right. See if you can find any clues!" Emma said.

The three walked down a path quite slowly, Hook following Emma, Emma following Gold, Gold following Belle, Belle following-

Oh, you get it. They were in line.

They walked for a few moments, before Snow, at the front of the line, suddenly spun around with the flashlight pointing up at her face. As soon as Charming laid eyes upon her, he screamed and turned around, and then Neal screamed upon seeing Charming. Charming turned around and screamed, but Cora smacked him in the face.

"All of you, we need to split up, all right?" Emma asked with a sigh.

"Okay!" Charming said as Emma walked to the front of the line and continued inspecting. She suddenly stopped, leaned over, and picked up a piece of cloth. She stood back up to examine it and-

WHAM! The line fell over like dominoes.

"GUYS! I said, we need to split up!" Emma groaned, pointing the other way. The group nodded and slowly filtered off in the room.

"Hey, I think I found a clue!" Henry said, picking up something just as Cora snuck over to a closet and opened the door.

Cora screamed.

"Cora!" Emma yelled, "What is it?"

"I FOUND A CIVILIAN!" Cora howled, pointing at a chair in the closet.

Pause.

"Cora, that's a chair," Emma said. "Did you take your meds today?"

"I don't take meds," Cora said.

"Well, it's never too late to start," Emma mumbled. "Look, it's just a chair, Cora."

"BUT WHAT IF IT'S HAUNTED?!" Cora thundered.

"Right, it's haunted," Emma said. "I suppose we'll defeat it and then afterwards we can go get milkshakes and ride off into the sunset on pink ponies, pigs flying in the distance."

Cora's face lit up. "That sounds brilliant!"

"I think I found some evidence!" Henry cut in, the group gathering around him and Emma.

"Cora, you go watch the chair. What is it, Henry?" Emma asked.

"Look!" Henry said, holding up a piece of dust.

"Let's go back to the other room, we can interrogate the chair," Snow said.

"Not you," Emma said. "It's just a chair."

"It's haunted!"

"I'll go back and show you there's nothing to fear," Gold said.

"AAH! But I don't wanna go back! Can Cora do it instead?" Henry asked.

Pause.

"Yeah, I guess so," Emma said, turning around, to find Cora was missing. "...Cora?"

Pause.

"IT WAS YOU!" Snow screamed, pointing at the chair.

"AH!" Henry yelled.

"Snow, we need to get the dirt on this chair," Gold said.

"How do I do that?"

"I dunno. Just go look for some evidence!" Gold said.

"Got it," Snow said, running outside.

"So... Mr. Chair... I hear... you're quite the businessman! Must be rough, being a chairman and all that..." Gold said.

Snow ran back inside and dumped a handful of dirt on the chair, looking up expectantly, except everyone was gone.

"Guys? Where are you?" she cried, looking at the chair. "YOU KILLED THEM!" she yelled, before pausing. "What... what if it wasn't the chair? What if it was someone else? There was only one person who had the car... only one person with the sound effects... Only one person who put the dirt on the chair..."

"IT WAS YOU!" Snow yelled, throwing her arm out and...

pointing at herself.

Pause.

"NO! IT WASN'T ME! I SWEAR, IT WASN'T!" Snow shrieked.

"No it wasn't," Hook said as he walked to Snow. "We just went in the kitchen to get cookies."

"Yeah," Emma said. "Apparently Mr. Laundener, the owner of this house, had no clue about the whole drama setup thing. He was nice about it, though."


	9. Roleplaying

_**So this idea's been floating around a bit, and I thought it might be fun to give it a try. It was a pretty bad try, but... at least I tried.**_

_**R&R!**_

* * *

"I'll just be out a minute," Snow told Emma, leaving her flat and humming a happy working song.

"Stay where you are!" Cora suddenly yelled, jumping out of the bushes.

Snow blinked.

"Oh, hello, Cora!" she said happily, before pausing. "Wait. Aren't you dead?"

Cora groaned. "It's... a... sort-of situation. Long story. I'm sort of dead. Well, half dead. Wait, why am I telling you this?"

"I don't know," Snow said with a shrug. "But I'm just glad to see you alive again! You wouldn't believe how guilty I felt when I thought I killed you."

"Good to know you have a conscience," Cora said. "I'm just going to tie you up now, okay?"

"Okay!" Snow said cheerfully. "Ouch," she whined when Cora pulled the rope too tight. "That hurt."

"Gullible much?" Cora mumbled under her breath.

* * *

"So now what do we do?" Snow asked. Cora had dragged her back to the cemetery basement.

"We sit here, and wait for Emma to notice you're missing," Cora said. "Then, I take a ransom. Which is her heart. Then I'll kill her, then kill you, then goodbye Charming family!" she sang.

"You'd still have to kill Charming," Snow pointed out.

"He'd kill himself eventually," Cora told her. "Not on purpose. It's just with a brain like his, I'm amazed he's still alive."

"Once he chased a kite out onto the train tracks," Snow told her.

"My point," Cora mumbled.

"So what are you doing? Why are we here?" Snow asked.

Cora hesitated. "Obviously, like I told you, I've kidnapped you."

Snow's eyes lit up. "Like a game?"

"Sure," Cora groaned.

"Okay!" Snow said sweetly. "So... umm... what are the rules again? If forgot."

"You just sit there and be quiet," Cora said.

"That sounds a lot like the Quiet Game," Snow told her.

"Whatever," Cora mumbled.

"Hey! I've got an idea! Let's play this game where I-"

"No, don't do anything," Cora told her.

"Okay!" Snow said brightly. She paused, then held her breath.

"What are you doing?" Cora asked.

Snow turned slightly purple.

"No... don't do that," she said. "Stop holding your breath!"

"Phew," Snow said, gasping for air. "Thank you!"

"Why would you hold your breath?" Cora asked, pacing.

"Because you said not to do anything," Snow said.

"What- oh, facepalm," Cora moaned.

* * *

"Okay," Emma told the family. "Now, where would you hide Snow if you were Cora?"

"I would hide her in my house!" Henry said cheerfully.

"That's too obvious," Emma told him.

"In a peanut butter and jelly jar!" Charming yelled.

Emma blinked.

"You know, with magic," he clarified.

"When we started this roleplaying game, the idea was that no magic would be involved," Emma said, rubbing her head.

"Oh," he said. "Sorry, I thought Snow was in real danger for a minute there."

Emma blinked.

"STATUE!" Hook suddenly screamed.

"Anyway," Emma continued. "Regina, what are some of the places in Storybrooke Cora knows about?"

"Nothing, really," Regina admitted. "She hardly knows how to drive. And she blew up my toaster last weekend."

"OMG!" Gold yelled. "Last week, she came into my shop, and turned everything pink with her magic!"

"How is that related?" Neal wondered.

"It's not, I was just expressing my stress about her," Gold told him.

"Okay," Neal said. "Well, good thing the rest of the family isn't participating, or else we'd be on about her all day. Human race, you'd gossip all day."

"You're a human too," Emma told him.

"No," he said. "I'm a Whovian."

"Weird," Belle mumbled.

Henry coughed loudly. "Sorry. I'm gettin' over a cold." he suddenly grinned. "You should bury me, since I'm coffin. Get it? Coffin and coughin'..."

"COFFIN!" Regina shrieked. "The coffin!"

"Sorry?"

"The mortuary!" Regina declared. "I bet she took Snow there!"

* * *

"This is like, the weirdest game of hide-and-seek ever," Cora sighed.

"I'm havin' fun!" Snow said.

"You have fun when you're bored, because you think it's interesting to be bored," Cora told her.

"Yes, I know, I was there."

"STOP RIGHT THERE YOU KIDNAPPER!" Emma shrieked.

"Quit it," Cora groaned. "We dropped character halfway through. She was acting all incessant and b*tchy. This is the worst roleplay ever."

"Really, Snow?" Emma groaned. Snow looked around.

"Wait. We were roleplaying?"


	10. OTP

Summary: What is Charming's worst nightmare...?

* * *

Snow stared at her screen for a long, long time.

The episode had just ended.

She stared at the credits. She stared at the screen until it turned black and then faded to a commercial. She watched the funny man talk about tacos on the screen.

Then she screamed very, very loudly. She flipped over the coffee table and kicked pillows everywhere. She shot three arrows into the Regina mannequin in the corner. She screamed at the fish. She screamed at the walls. She screamed at the cat, which was saying something, because they didn't even have a cat.

Charming walked in the room at this point. "Uh... what's going on?!"

Snow let out a wail.

"Who died?!" he asked.

"EVERYONE!" Snow screamed.

"What do you mean?" Charming asked. "What just happened?"

"More like what didn't happen!" Snow wailed.

"What didn't happen, then?"

"My OTP!" Snow shrieked. "HookedSwan!"

"No," Charming said. "No, no way."

"Yes, yes way!" Snow blurted.

"NOO!" Charming screamed, sinking to his knees on the floor. "My OTP!"

* * *

Suddenly, Charming woke up. He looked around.

"Oh, phew," he said. "It was just a dream."

"NOOO!" came a loud, sudden wail from the kitchen. "I just watched the season finale for Merlin!"


	11. THE PUNS RETURN!

"Uh, oh," Snow said. "I think the author just started a new chapter."

"Oh, boy," Emma sighed. "What weird, unorthodox thing is gonna happen now?"

"Just wait for it," Charming said. "Don't rise up and take the _bait_."

"Huh? What was that?" Emma asked.

"What was what?"

"The author italicized your line," Emma said.

"Really?" Charming asked.

"Yeah," Emma mumbled.

"Something's _fishy_ about this," Snow said.

"The puns return," Henry whispered.

"Oh, _shrimp_! This _scampi_ happening!" Emma shrieked.

"MAKE THEM STOP!" Regina wailed.

"The Doctor called," Belle told Regina. "He wants you to stop _gill-ing_ people."

"The author's the murderer here," Regina mumbled. "And the OUAT writers. They're just plain evil."

"_Sea_, the thing is, the author doesn't know when to stop!" Charming exclaimed. "If she'd just shut up- or stop typing, none of these _tear-ible_ fish puns would be happening!"

"Y'all are just _kraken_ me up," the author mumbled.

"You're acting so _shellfish_, though," Snow cried. "We hate puns! Especially yours!"

I put you on a temporary hiatus for OUATID, so don't you go complaining," the author countered.

"Then what with the puns? Why not something else?" Charming asked.

"I don't really know, I'm just doing it for the _halibut,_" she sneered.

"Everyone, just shut up!" Snow wailed. "I'm fed up of all these puns! It's just alarming!"

"That rhymes with Charming!" Charming said, excited.

"So does Farming," Gold joked.

"Oh, my god... that actually works," Snow realized.


End file.
